I am deeply passionate about working with couples and helping them get the kind of relationship they truly long for. Those moments when they look into each other’s eyes and feel those warm fuzzies in their tummies. It’s not just about desire. It’s about what it feels like to really see and be seen. To connect with the person you’re sharing your life with.

By the time couples reach out to me, they’ve often been struggling. Resentment has built up. Communication feels hard. Their ability to speak in a way that leads to connection or resolution has gotten smaller and smaller. Those moments of ease and lightness they used to know feel like a distant daydream. And honestly, that’s not surprising when you consider how many messages we’ve been fed about what it takes to have a “healthy relationship” or be a “good partner.”

So today, I want to name a few of the most common lies we’ve been told. Lies that come from the way we were raised, from social media, and from well-meaning but unhelpful advice. Let’s talk about them, together.

Lie #1: Don’t Go to Bed Angry

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard this one. It’s one of those phrases that shows up a lot at weddings or in advice columns. And I get the intention behind it. Of course, going to bed peacefully sounds great. But I want to be real with you. This advice? It’s a lie.

Sometimes couples try so hard to make peace before bed that they end up skipping over what they actually feel. And they miss the chance to understand each other more deeply. Going to bed angry has been framed as something bad, even something that defines the health of a relationship. You’ll hear people say, “We never go to bed angry,” as if that means everything is fine.

But the truth is, going to bed angry is NOT wrong. Sometimes, it’s the healthier choice. When you’re exhausted or overwhelmed, forcing a solution right before sleep can be unhelpful. Letting things sit, allowing space to cool down, and returning to the conversation later with a clearer mind can be a more powerful move.

So if you’ve ever gone to bed angry, I want you to know that you’re not failing. You’re human. And your relationship is allowed to breathe, even through the tension. It’s often necessary and totally healthy!

Lie #2: We’re Connecting Because We Share the Same Hobbies

I know this one can be surprising. So many people assume that in order to feel close, you have to love the same things. And it does make sense, right? When you’re trying to make new friends, you go to places where people like the same things you do. A yoga class. A book club. A hiking group. That shared interest is what helps you feel connected.

So of course, it seems like doing your partner’s hobbies with them should bring you closer. But what I’ve seen time and time again is that couples end up participating in each other’s interests out of obligation. Not because they love the thing, but because they love their partner.

That love-driven effort is beautiful. But over time, it can lead to burnout or resentment. When you’re constantly saying yes to something you don’t enjoy just to stay close, you might slowly lose touch with yourself.

You don’t need to fake excitement about something your partner loves. They can love their thing, and you can have yours. And you can both come back to the relationship more energized and connected than if you’d tried to force it.

So if you’ve ever overhyped your love for a sports team, bought the gear, made the posts, and deep down you were like, “I could honestly skip this for the rest of my life,” I get it. That’s love too. But what would it be like to let your partner enjoy their hobby while you go do something that fills your own cup? Then come back together and share from that place of fullness. That’s connection, too.

Lie #3: It Should Be Easy

This one shows up all the time. The idea that love, when it’s right, should feel effortless.

Often that comes from a memory. That early phase when you were both extra thoughtful, kind, mindful of every word. When you were both trying to impress and protect each other’s feelings. And it felt easy. So when that starts to fade, it can feel like something’s wrong.

But let me tell you. I’ve seen plenty of couples who are very kind to each other, and still end up breaking up. Kindness alone doesn’t keep you together. And things feeling “easy” isn’t always a sign that the relationship is strong. Sometimes it just means we’re not having the hard conversations. We’re holding things in. We’re trying so hard not to hurt or burden our partner that we stop being real.

And when that happens, it gets harder and harder to deal with conflict when it does show up. We forget how to work through the messy stuff. But relationships aren’t supposed to be effortless. They’re made of two very different people trying to grow something together. Of course it’s going to take work. And that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you’re human.

If your relationship feels harder than you thought it would, it doesn’t mean you failed. It probably just means you were given some pretty unrealistic expectations about what love is supposed to look like.

Okay, but now what?

There are so many more lies out there about what it means to be a “good partner” or have a “healthy relationship.” But these are three I had to talk about.

I hope this gave you a little room to breathe. Maybe even help you feel a little more seen. Because the truth is, every couple hits bumps. Every relationship has hard moments. Most of us struggle with identifying and changing what keeps us stuck in a cycle we don’t want to be repeating.

If you and your partner are feeling stuck, and you’re ready to move past these lies and into something more real and grounded, I’d love to support you.
You can learn more about what couples therapy with me looks like here. And if you’re ready to start, schedule your free 15-minute consultation.